Why Make Life More Complicated?

In which The Author installs – then uninstalls – an app

(I already had a working title for this entry, then an ad popped up on Spotify this lunchtime which absolutely fucking nailed it!)

Before Xmas last year, I decided to try and achieve one of my life's weird ambitions and learn a few useful phrases in Japanese. It's a long story which will become an entry in its own right (and possibly a stand-up comedy piece), but for now I'll cut to the chase.

A couple of months ago I was in WHSmith (that's the way the company lays out its branding these days, apparently) and I came across a Berlitz Japanese phrase book and dictionary. To be honest, I was surprised to find that in the Pontypridd branch; in South Wales, the general assumption seems to be that the world is only as large as the Schengen area, and that's only the case if you read a newspaper with big words. There were no other Japanese books available, and precious little else if you were planning to venture anywhere that uses a non-Western writing system. Anyway, I decided that £6.99 would be a reasonable price for something to reinforce the large number of online resources I'd already found.

It was only when I was looking through it on the bus home that I noticed that there was a 'Free app included'.

My regular readers already know that I have very little patience with apps, as a rule. In fact, I put something on Twitter a few weeks ago to this effect, addressed to Samsung UK. I pointed out that when the TV ads for smartphones and tablets show a customer shooting through a complex procedure in mere seconds, and the subtitles say 'sequences shortened', they really aren't fucking joking.

In fact, I nearly abandoned an eBay purchase a few weeks ago, when not only would my phone not let me log into my eBay account (for which I'd changed the password merely seconds before), but it wouldn't let me log into my PayPal account either. I'd used PayPal ten minutes earlier to order a drink in Thereisnospoon, and it was set to One Touch login, so I shouldn't have needed to log in at all. Go fucking figure …

Anyway, back to this shitty Berlitz app. It's called Talk&Travel, and according to the inside cover of the book, this is what I needed to do to activate it:

1. Download the free container app called Talk&Travel Berlitz from the App Store or Google Play or visit our website at: www.berlitzpublishing.com/en/apps and follow the link to the App Store or Google Play.
2. Launch the app and open the Catalog screen. Scroll down to the bottom of the page until you see the 'Enter code' field.
3. Enter the code printed below in your book and tap 'Activate'.
4. Download the phrase book and enjoy your digital copy.

Well, that all sounds fine and dandy, doesn't it? And it was – until I actually downloaded the app. Needless to say, things were fucked up from the outset.

Instead of 'Enter code' being at the bottom of the Catalog Screen, it's a separate entry on the main menu. Once I'd found it, I entered the code very carefully, double-checked it, and got a message telling me it was 'invalid'. Quelle fucking surprise, eh?

I tried again. And again. Same result. What's the definition of insanity again?

I searched online and found contact details for the Tech Support people. So I sent them an email:

Hi I recently purchased the Berlitz Japanese phrase book and dictionary (UK edition, ISBN 978 178 004 497 2). This morning I installed the Talk&Travel app on my fully updated Samsung Galaxy J5, but have been unable to get the app to accept the code printed in the inside back cover of the book. I have looked at the Berlitz website, which has no useful advice. A second online search produced your contact details. Please advise. Thanks. Steve O'Gorman

A few minutes later I had an automated acknowledgement, followed soon afterwards by an email from a living, breathing Tech Support person. I think …

Dear Steve, Your support ticket #270423 has been answered by Alexander Bryzgalov. Dear Steve, Thank you for contacting Paragon Software Support Team! My name is Alexander and I will be handling your support request. Please accept our sincere apologies. Send us your purchase confirmation for the dictionary please (a receipt photo), if possible. I would find there some additional information I need in this case. Send us the photos of the top page and the page with the code too, please. Could you attach a screenshot showing the error? Best regards, Alexander Bryzgalov

Well, what's a guy to do?

Hi Alexander I bought the book brand new from WHSmith in Pontypridd, South Wales, some weeks ago. It is extremely unlikely that I still have the receipt, as I had assumed (stupidly) that an app advertised within its pages would work easily and in a straightforward manner, first time, without any need to fuck around by emailing customer service people based halfway across the world. That'll teach me an important lesson, won't it? I'm sincerely sorry for wasting your – and what is much more important, my – time. Steve O'Gorman

This morning I had an email telling me that my file had been closed. I don't really care, because on further reading it transpires that the app is only a six-month free trial anyway. I'd have had to pay for further use, and I bet by then I'll have found something far more useful and comprehensive.

We're less than six months from the year 2020, for fuck's sake! Surely these problems should have been ironed out at least a decade ago, never mind getting past beta testing stage and being unleashed on the general public. Is it any wonder that my brother smashed up his old faithful Thickphone halfway through a 'customer service' call a couple of weeks ago? Can you blame him – the new head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department – for turning his back on technology as much as possible? The older I get, the more tempted I am to do the same thing.