Just the FAQs (Part 1)

In which The Author saves you asking

• No, I'm not gay, I've never been married, I have no kids, I'm single and failing to mingle, and I'm not fucking either Chazza or Clare.
• No, I'm not a Welsh speaker. My mother bought me this wallet as a present from Mount Snowdon, and didn't realise the wording was in Welsh until she unwrapped it.
• Yes, I did appear on Fifteen to One. It was broadcast on S4C in December 1991. I made it into the final three on the day, but didn't win. We need never speak of it again.
• Yes, I do have friends from all over the world, of all ethnicities, religions and sexual persuasions. Suck it up, buttercup, it isn't 1947 any more.
• No, I probably can't fix your bloody laptop, especially if it's running anything later than Windows XP. In the words of Rufus T. Riley, take her to Radio Shack.
• Yes, I do read a great deal.
• No, I won't tell you what kind of music/ films/ books/ whatever I'm into. That conversation could outlive the universe.
• No, I've never played the guitar or bass in a band. You're obviously thinking of someone else. I'll quite happily give you my autograph, but it'll be worthless.

To be continued …