Monday, 31 October 2016

A Hair-Raising Experience

In which The Author goes to the theatre yet again
In keeping with my promise to support our local performing arts scene to the best of my ability, I took Clare E. to the Coliseum on Saturday night. The Colstars were doing a show called Hairspray, which was completely new to me.
Clare is about half my age, and far more in touch with contemporary shows than I am. We met about a year ago, (naturally) through our shared interest in music; she's another of the Aberdare karaoke regulars. She'd already warned me that it was along the lines of High School Musical. I'd replied that it couldn't possibly be any worse than Grease, which I suffered in the cinema when I was twelve years old. It was that summer's 'blockbuster hit', apparently, so we went to see it purely out of a sense of 'everyone else has seen it'.
[A digression: I should have known better, really, having endured 1977's 'summer blockbuster hit' Star Wars during our previous holiday. It was only a Close Encounter with Steven Spielberg's mystifying masterpiece, a few weeks after Grease, that assured my lifelong fascination with Science Fiction – which, after nearly four decades, very neatly landed me the job I'm doing now.
I think it's fair to say that Grease almost entirely – and perhaps unfairly – coloured my vision of US teen musicals. I found the 'story' impenetrable, maybe because I was a boy from the Valleys and not especially interested in chasing girls at the age of twelve. How the hell I was supposed to relate to a US high school setting is a mystery I've never quite solved. It's only over the past few years that I've been able to listen to some of the songs without wincing. I certainly couldn't sit through the film again, never mind experience the whole show.
Hannah W. gave me a little more background to Hairpsray at her mother's birthday party a couple of months ago. In particular, she was wondering how the Colstars would be able to cast the black characters. After all, Aberdare isn't the most culturally diverse of communities, in spite of the chunterings of the Debating Society et al. Showcase and Colstars have a young lad of Indian heritage in their line-up (he's the chap with a flair for visual comedy I mentioned when I wrote up Hello, Dolly recently), but otherwise Hannah and I were baffled.
'Surely they wouldn't "black up" for a show,' I said, rather aghast at the idea. I vaguely remember the horrible spectacle of The Black and White Minstrel Show on TV when I was a kid. The whole thing seemed unlikely at best, and very uncomfortable at worst.
A couple of weeks ago Liam J. came into the library on a Monday afternoon, and rescued me from the merciless droning of the Local History Dalek. We repaired to Thereisnospoon and had one of our enjoyable free jazz conversations over a couple of drinks. Liam told me that Hairpsray was inspired by the John Waters film, which is a cult classic among some of my friends. He gave me a bit more background, but I was still none the wiser (I've never seen any of Mr Waters' films, except Serial Mom).
While I was browsing the DVDs in a charity shop last week, I came across a copy of the film of the show of the film (if you know what I mean). I could have bought it there and then, but I decided I was going to go into the show completely fresh, and without any preconceptions of how it 'should' be done.
On Saturday I met Clare in town, and we had a pint before heading to the Coliseum. We were first through the doors, because I had to collect our reserved tickets from Julie G. (and that's a story in itself!) We had a Coke each in the bar while we waited for the start of the show. Chris D. came in while I was waiting to be served, and told me that his wife Cath and his daughter Mali were both in the cast. Soon after that, I spotted Iwan joining Chris and the rest of his family. He was the talk of the town this weekend, because his picture had appeared in Saturday's edition of The Times. They'd done a feature on the incredibly competitive RADA application process, and Iwan had been photographed with some of his fellow first-years. (Afterwards, in the foyer, I teased him that his brief stint in London had put years on him. According to the photo caption, he's twenty-five years old.) He'd come back for a flying visit to check out his friends' latest show.
Clare and I were sitting three rows from the front, right in the middle, which gave us great views of the stage. The musicians were tuning up as we took our seats, and a gauze curtain with the show logo was obscuring the set. The lights went down, Clare gave my arm a squeeze, and we were off.
And I can honestly say that I enjoyed every minute of it. I love that doo-wop style of pre-Beatles bubblegum teen pop anyway, and the music set my feet tapping from the word 'go'. Once again, the energy and enthusiasm of the youngsters blew me away. The acting and singing were on a par with anything you'd see in a professional production; the costumes were vivid and authentic for the period; the lighting was atmospheric and exciting; the minimal set design proved once again that it's possible to do more with less.
The only slightly uncomfortable parts (for me, anyway) were the scenes where white people were playing black people, with obvious Afro wigs and a bit too much fake tan, but not really carrying it off. It was a slight improvement on the old am-dram standby of cocoa powder, but it made for awkward watching all the same. I couldn't help wondering whether a quick shout-out at the University of South Wales mightn't have turned up some talented performers who'd have been more suited to the roles. Still, when you've got a man playing the protagonist's mother, you can put it all down to the high camp nature of the Waters original.
In fact, my Tweet sent at the end summed up the whole evening: 'High camp, high energy, high hair.' I should have added 'hi-jinx' to the proceedings, as I mentioned on the Colstars Facebook page later on. You could tell that it was the last night, because things were going wrong and everyone was trying desperately not to 'corpse' – with varying degrees of success. The audience were really in the spirit of the show as well, doing their best to make the actors laugh during the brief cock-ups. When the whole thing is as daft as Hairspray is, you can't help getting into the party spirit.
Clare and I repaired to the Harlequins Bowls Club for the afterparty, and I introduced her to a couple of the regulars, including Iwan, Dan T., who'd played Link Larkin, and James D., who'd played Corny Collins. It turned out that she already knew Zoe S. who'd taken the lead role of Tracy Turnblad, and Damon M. (who'd played Wilbur, Tracy's father). If she ever fancies getting involved with the Colstars, she wouldn't be going into a room full of complete strangers.
And once again, a couple of the youngsters asked me when I was going to come on board. Well, I've left it too late to try out for the panto, but their next full show will be Carousel, early next summer. Deb J. is going to lend me the film, as I haven't seen it since I was about twelve. Who knows what'll happen once the audition dates are announced?

Saturday, 29 October 2016

Meanwhile, in the Post Office ...

In which The Author continues Project No More Mr Nice Guy
On Wednesday evening I got home to find the now-traditional card from the postman in the pile of junk mail and takeaway menus. I'd been expecting it, because I'd ordered an item from Ebay which I knew would be too big for the letterbox. On Thursday morning I went online and arranged for it to be redirected to my local post office.
When I say 'local', I didn't want to fuck around in Trecynon again. The only-just-post-teenage chavs in charge most of the time have enough difficulty speaking basic English, never mind coming to terms with the written word. (NB Both lads were born and bred in Aberdare. Go figure …)
With this in mind, I went to the Royal Mail website and requested delivery to Aberdare Post Office. This was on Thursday morning, remember. The earliest possible delivery date was today – Saturday. Yes, I know – in the Twenty-first Century it still takes two 'working' days to process an online request. However, I wasn't in any great rush, so that was fine. The website advised that different offices have deliveries at different times, so I left it until about 12.30 to call in for my parcel.
In front of me at the counter was a bint who wanted to change a large bundle of notes for smaller notes. I've no idea why, but it took her nearly five minutes – after I'd joined the queue – to sort out a straightforward (aaaargh!) transaction. I've no idea how long she'd been there before I walked in, so I'm guessing we can add at least fifty per cent to the total. It gave me chance to sort out the 'local collect' fee, though, so it wasn't entirely a waste of my time.
I stepped up, handed my card to the postmaster, and said, 'I've got an item to collect. It's being redirected from Aberaman [the sorting office].'
He took my card, looked at it for a moment, and said, 'It says here …'
'I know what it says,' I replied sharply. 'I've been through all the palaver online to have it sent here.'
He looked at the box the postman had ticked again.
'Tell you what,' I said. 'Next time I get a card, I'll Tipp-Ex that bit out so you don't get confused!'
The queue was building up. I didn't care. My voice was getting louder as well. Did I give a fuck? What do you reckon?
The postmaster went behind the scenes and returned a few seconds later with my parcel. But that wasn't the end of the story.
I already had a pound coin and my driving licence on my side of the counter.
'There's a fee to pay,' he said.
'I know!' I said. 'That's why I've got my money here.'
I handed over the money and my driving licence, so he could compare my details with the details on the label. He made a great show of scrutinising the two sources of information before finally deciding that I was me.
'That's seventy pence, please,' he said eventually.
'I know!' I said, once again. 'I've done this before – several times. The last time was only about a fortnight ago, and you served me then, as well. Believe it or not, this is actually easier than spending nearly three quid trying to get to the bloody sorting office.'
I gave him my best Peter-Capaldi-as-the-Doctor 'Don't wind me up or I'll do something you'll regret later' grin, pocketed my change, took my parcel, and fucked off out of the place.
Short of going out to China myself to pick the items up myself, can anyone think of an easier way to do this? Answers on a postcard, please … (At least I know those will fit through my fucking letterbox.)

Thursday, 27 October 2016

A Quick Single

In which The Author bowls a maiden over
As I told you in Half My Age Plus Seven, I've been single (apart from the abortive Jenny situation and a few dalliances with fucked-up born again God Botherers) since the Oz Girl heartbreak in 2001. Fifteen years and a bit later, I'm happy that way. I think my Facebook relationship status currently says something like 'Single, Not Looking, Really Can't Be Arsed With The Whole Fucking Thing'.
A couple of days I had a late lunch with Alwyn and Chris D., while we were putting the final pieces of Alwyn's website together. We were in Servini's in Aberdare, which is our registered office for meetings and things. While Helen O. was preparing my hot chocolate, she asked me if I ever go to the New Inn in Ystradfellte.
As a matter of fact, I have been there fairly recently, as I recounted in Further Up the River. But – as I explained in that earlier entry – it's not a journey to undertake lightly. I'm unlikely to be adding the New Inn to my regular Sunday walkabout any time soon.
Anyway, it turned out that Helen's casual enquiry was anything but casual. Here's one of those Six Degrees things that often feature in this blog, so hold on to your hats. There's a student named Lauren who works part-time in Servini's. Lauren's boyfriend is the son of the New Inn's landlady. And the New Inn's landlady – apparently – thinks I'm just her cup of hot chocolate.
I asked Helen and Lauren how she even knows of my existence. Since I've only been in the pub once this millennium, it seemed a bit unlikely that I made a massive impression. Helen was baffled as well, so we took our drinks to the Spying Table and sat down to look through Chris's design ideas.
A few minutes later Helen came over to talk to us. Lauren had helped her to solve the mystery. The landlady in question had seen me in Servini's one day, and overheard me telling Helen and Marino about the latest book I was working on. As she's into books and arts and crafts (according to Helen, anyway), she decided to put some feelers out to find out more about me. Where better place to start than in the place where her son's girlfriend works?
Now, Alwyn has only just reasserted his independence, after spending some time in a relationship with a woman who seemed determined to take his life over completely. I called on him to second my (almost identical) case in favour of the single life. (Chris and his girlfriend are well settled, so the three of us left him to his coffee and had a bit of a conflab.) We convinced Helen that I really didn't want to pursue any sort of investigations down that route, she went back to the counter, and we carried on chatting about the website.
That's not the end of the story, though.
As we were leaving in search of WiFi (a quest which led us to the Cambrian), Helen slipped me a piece of paper with this lady's name on it. It was in Lauren's writing.
'She's on Facebook,' Helen explained. 'Why don't you check out her profile and send her a message?'
'Because I'm really not interested in meeting any women,' I said, for the hundredth time. 'Anyway, it's been a very long time since any woman found me even remotely attractive. I've just checked the calendar to make sure it isn't April Fool's Day.'
And we made our excuses and left.
A little bit later, while we were in the Cambrian, Chris asked me why I didn't look up her on Facebook anyway. So I did.
Now, I've never met her (to my knowledge), so I'm having to base my decision purely on the customary unflattering Facebook profile pic. But if her face popped up on Tindr (which I've never used, by the way – I just know the general principles), my first thought, however cruel it might sound, would be 'Next!'
Apart from Lisa, when we were both doing our A levels, I've never gone out with anyone close to my own age. Sam is nine years younger than me; Michelle is about ten years younger; Gema and Oz Girl are sixteen years younger; my recent narrow escapes had a similar age gap. This lady is about my age. After all, she's got a son more or less the same age as my niece. I'm absolutely not interested in acquiring a ready-made family by default, even on a temporary basis.
And there has to be a degree of physical attraction as a basis for a relationship, doesn't there? If you simply don't fancy the other person, it's doomed to fall at the first fence.
Yesterday I popped into Servini's again, this time with Clare E. We had to go to Treorchy to sort out some passport photos, because the photo booth in Aberdare Post Office is fucked again. With time to kill before the train, we decided to grab some breakfast. Needless to say, Helen asked me if I'd followed up on her tip-off. I told her I had, but wasn't going to pursue it any further.
Then Helen had the cheek to launch into a passionate defence of her own continued singledom. You know the sort of thing: keeping your own schedule; being able to stay up all night and watch DVDs if you want to; booking last-minute day trips without having to consider what anyone else is doing; choosing what to watch or listen to, entirely free of interference. And so on.
On the other hand, Clare seems to go from boyfriend to boyfriend almost on a fortnightly basis, and then spends the rest of her time moaning about her ongoing run of bad luck. So does Chazza. So do half the young people I know, in fact.
Haven't been there; haven't done that; seen other people wearing the t-shirt and decided it doesn't suit me.
If I am in Servini's and this lady is there, I expect Helen and/or Lauren will point her out to me, and possibly contrive a meeting. If it happens, I'll say hello and maybe we'll have a chat. But that's almost certainly as far as it'll go. She'll have to be pretty fucking special (unique, in fact) to wrench me off course and set me sailing into unknown territory. I just think it's important to state my case – of which I'm certain – before Helen gets any daft ideas about launching a dating agency from our registered office.